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HoUinger 

pH 8.5 

MiU Run F03.2193 



Entered according to Act of Con^^ress in the year ^1879 by 

WILLIAM 'l&SH, d^yU-kA^^" 
in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, 
D. C. 



IK (JUOD, 



OR 



ffld ! 





A Comedy In II A cts. 



Only one Stage Setting. 

Oust of Char acters>- '--■ -■-■^ 



Michael Hayseed. 



Benjmin, 
Thomas and 
Margaeeth:. 

Barney O'Keef. 

Patric and 
Catherine, 



i Patei Familias,Anlel•icanll^s 
( of German origin. 



I His Scions, 

I A neighbor of Hayseed 
I Pater Familias Americaniis 
( of Celtic origin. 
His Scions. 



Major Tick, ) A neighbor. 
Peg, j His wife. 

Bob Codfish, i A Shaver of Lasses. 
Mrs. O'Keef, |^Wife of Barney O'Keef. 
minor characters : 
'Soldiers, Indians, Ladies, Utilities — Olapods 



and ExCENTRTOS. 



f 






^%5 , 

.^%1^ 



ACT. L 

Scene — A military Fort among the Indians of the west- 
ern frontier of the United States. It is located in rear of 
stage at flat. It is of usual structure. A wall or ram- 
pai't surrounding it in front, on which are planted n couple 
of cannons. A double iron gate iiL-front leading into fort 
—A United States flag waving on top of it. Back ground 
of fort, looks like a forrest. Through wall are seA^eral 
round oriflces ; through which peep the mouths of Cannon. 
\\\ front of Fort, at L. and R. Sides of stage are Booths. 
The hootli at L. has a bar in iront a sort of awning above 
it. .V door loading into rear house. At end of bar facing- 
audience is a sign similar as, -'Michael Hayseeds' Buck 
PxH-r."' Above it is the flgure of a He goat, with foi-efeet 
raised standing on a foaming glass of beer. At same side 
towards front 2d groove, stands an American barber chair 
aiid stool. A striped barber pole stands near. There is 
also a booth oi' siiihlar construction at R. with a l)ar ; and 
a sign above facing audience on which is inscribed as ; '() 
Keef's Irish Gin.' above it is the figure of an Iiish "moun- 
tain guide, holding a glass of whisky to his lips, with a 
shillalah under his arm. Both booths, (or rough western 
wooden cottages) are 2 stories high with a couple of win- 
dows in each. At side of O Keef's towards front, is a 
carpenter's bench, with some tools and boards laying on 
it, and some shavings lay underneath on floor — lime, day. 

The rising of the curtain reveals between the l)ootiis, a 
lot of country women and boys engaged in hatchehng 
flax with hand hatchels, as was and as is still the custom 
among western farmers of America, and among the coun- 
try folks of Europe. Flax hemp lays around, which is 
thus l^roken and the fibre is prepared for spining. A 
couple are engaged in spinning. The spinning wheels 
and hand hatchels are of the usual construction. 

Enter two Indian women with baskets con.taining fancy 
])in-cushions, liaskets and other trinkets, they sit in front 
on floor or on some stone, offering their wares for sale, 
and prepare them. Occasionally enter from fort some 
soldi ei-s and drink at respective l)ars. A bee)- cask lays 
Oil )>ar of Havseed : while whiskey bottles ornament 



shelves and bar of O'Keef s. On wall of fort a 
couple of sentinels with muskets on shoulder seen 
partially. Marg-arete shaves soldiers and citizens when- 
ever one sits on barber chair. Benjamin is behind his 
father's bar serving customers, and Patiie behind his 
father's bar doing the same. Both are in shirt sleeves 
with white apron front. Margarete is Iressed in 
short petite coat white waiste, npvon, a Ijiight colored 
necktie tied in a knot in front, (m-.m's fashion). A ra- 
zor strop attached to her side, on which she occasionally 
sharpens razor. ^' 

Enters backward Bob Codfish, retreatingfrons O Keef *s 
house, he is in shirt sleeves, has a carpenters' npron in 
front. He is followed by Mrs. 0*lveef, an old lady jnsv 
out of the kitchen, swinging a Ijroom handle furiously :it 
Bob, who dodges. Hatcheling women stop a little aston- 
ished 

Bob. 
'Pon me honor, madam I 

Mrs. O'Keef. 
*Pon yer honor — heh! ye scape gra-'c hfu'c no honor, 
and no tin in yer pocket to pay the board wllh, \cv bet- 
ter stop with thedutchman. 

Points to Hayseed's house. 
Accross the 'strate.' then 'bcatii;' -me out of nie 'xvuh. 

Bob. 
'Pon me honor, I was not 'smoling. ' at you. nijidani . 
I was only settlin' a billet don::. 

Catherine appears in door; hv [joiids at hei". 
With your daughter, Catherine. 

Mrs. O'Keef makes again v< rush i'or bin : lu' 
dodges 

Mrs. O. 
The Lord! have mercy on yer rascal, settling a billet 
doux with me 'datter,' Catherine — yer bitter setiU- \er 
hash bill. 

Bob.- (aside). 
It is rather earlv to eat cari)et tacks and broom han- 
dles. 

To her. ' 

I be danged ! if 1 pay another peinry. Never got a 
dacent meal any how in your hen roost. 

She goes for him again, he stumbles over one of 
the women hatcheling, who strikes hin\ on back 
with Hax. 



Bob. 
Toil! out of the frying-pan into the fire. 

Retreat L. F. before exit, says ; 
I'll be avenged on your sex — I'll be avenged yet — I'll 
oet married. 

He exit — all say — •' Our Bob will get married." 
Mrs. O'Keef pui-sues him to wing threatening. 
Mrs.O. 
Don't yer come smellln' around me " l)onnie Kate 
agin." ^ 

Mrs. O. returns and orders barkeeper to give the 
women a drink. She takes glasses herself, and 
treats. 
l*al I d've hear. 
Tat. 
Ave I aye I ■■mum." 

Mks. O. 
(iiye our neigliboring women a dra}) of the cratknr, 
tiiey have been working hard all morning, to keep \u blue- 
jeiius. (iiemises and shirts. 

They drink a toast, iiolding glasses. 
"Mus. O. 
Here 's to the health of all P^ve's ^' datters" — For a 
glass of wine now and then is like a piece of nonsense 
cherished l)v the best of men or women either. 
Peg. 
I say. '• ould gals," it strengthens our nerves and 
si)eeds our tongues on, fi'om a trot to a gallop. 

Clasps hands, 
(rood gracious! when I got stuffed away enough of this 
stuff, - 

Points to glass, 
Then I can get on the old man's noddle and crow like a 
I'ooster, in less time than it takes to say ''Jack Robinson." 
Mrs. O. 
That 's the '' rason" that Major Tick, your husband's 
scalp is bald. But yon seem always mum as to youi' "air- 
ly" history. 

Peg; (breathes heavy,) 
That 's an awful secret. 

Mks. O. 
I believe you and Major Tick came here from ^' auld 
Hengiand," and settled here in the Western wilds some 
odd twenty years ago, and you had a son. 



Peg. 
Never had a son. 
Aside 
Confounded ! there, I let the cat out of the bag-. 

Aloud 
That is, I might have had a son— so to «ay : I reared 
Master Primrose, now a young man of fashion. 
Sotto voce ; hand to mouth. 
But this is a secret. 
♦ Mrs. O 

That is to say, you was in the way of, and had the 
means at hand, to have a son. But how is tliat youno- 
fledgling of yours getting along with Margaret. th» Diitcli- 
man's " datter" --across the " strate." 
Points to Hayseed place. 
Peg. 
Making it clear to her with mathemaiical pi-eeisioii. the 
problem, that in love two make oi!(>. 
Mks. O. 
But I heard that he has a rival in Boli. that '^spalpin'* 
of a carpenter, who also come sraellin' around me Kale. 
They say he plays it '^ swate'^ on tlie J JiiU'lsniaifs '^ (lat- 
ter.'' 

Peg. 
Faith! let the carpenter be hot after her ; for *'in- 
dade, mum, indade," she is no niatcli for my adopted 
son Primrose. Besides, he wi'' sb.ortly leave for Kno- 
land and ])e absent foi- vears. 
Mrs. O. 
Going. 
•' Fax," ladies- — I'll have to straddle the kitclien stovp 
to get some lunch for yer l)oi{ei-s. 

Feels stomach, laughs, and exits in lion .e — 
They all hatcheling again — after whicii enter ;. 
L. F., Tick, is ratlioi- old, carries a wa!ki)!'> 
stick, looks dilapidated, walks unsteady. 
Peg. 
Here comes my old rooster. 

He picks sometliiiig off floor, while I^'g walks 
to him, and kicks or strikes his hat off. vvhi- h 
reveals his luild head. All iaiioii. Peg points 
to it. 

Peg- 
Onldgals, here is marked my handiwoik. • 



— 5— 

Shakes hands with him. 
How d'ye do? oiild cork. 

Tic re. 
Pretty well. Peg — -pretty well, aneifnt Adam's rib. 
To audience, 
A jollier wife I never had in my life. Though old in 
years, yfe bnniuli tears, and live as happy as a big bass 
drum. 

Takes out box, gives her a pinch of snuff, both 
sneeze. 
Take a pinch, take a pinch, it is good for the liver. 

Pe<t : [laughs.] 
Ah! Tick ; you think you can make j^etfrom your Peg 
(peck) a bushel. Rut I suppose you came from church 
now. 

Tick. 
To be sure — to l)e sure. dear. Peg. 

Peg. 
You are not so sure about it ; you might have been 
around it, instead of iiiside — perhaps you were at the Ut- 
ile church around the corner. 

Tick : [Astonished] 
Nay, you old fox — save your bacon ; as if I would go 
nround it I was in it, I'm pretty sure — pretty sure. 
Peg: [feels in his coat pocket.] 
Aye ! I see — I suppose you took our family bible nlong. 

Tick : [tries to prevent her] 
Na, na, Peg, what yer up to. I left tlie bible in our 
])ew. 

(She takes out a pack of cards.) 
Peg: (with comic anger) 
Yes, and took the cards along to bring the angels down. 
Oh! you miserable sinner, what will become of you — 
going — going. 

Points down, • 

down, full blast, to the hot place, where they burn brim- 
stone. 

Tick retreats a few steps, hems and hawes, pulls 
handkerchief out of another coat pocket, when 
another set of cards fell out then, on stage ; he 
l^icks them up. 

Tick: (aside) 
Confounded old woman — confound it, she must stick 
her nose even in a fellah's pocket. I'm in a perfect hor- 
net's nest. 

Aloud 



Ahem! ahem! yes, dear ehihl, going and making the 
road clear for you. So I thought; I better taki^ a double 
set of cards along, to pass the time off, until you came, 
by playing a game of euchre with the old Harry. I hope 
the gentlemen here have no objections. , 

Peg: (laughs) 
You Bily gander : there are nothing Init geese here ; not 
a single gent. 

Tick: (lays hand on her shoulder.) 
The better for it ; loan me a doUar. I want to get 
shaved. When you go home to-night Til magnetise you. 
Peg: [pushes him off.] 
Go along! magnetise the other women. 

Tick : [aside] 
My wife don't need to say that twice to me as old as I- 
am. 

Aloud, 
All right, my dear — all right. 

She now goes to woi-k ; cuter a loldier, sits on 
barber chair, calls aloud f< r Hayseed booth: 
Soldier. 
Helloah! where is the ]iarl)ci-? 

pjiiter from the house, on the run, old Hayseed, 
clad German fashion, smoking from an old cla^' 
pipe, lias on head one of those German caps 
with a tassel on it. 
Hayseed. 
Mein heibster freund ; you wants get shave. 
Toys with soldier's liair. 
Purty long — purty long — you wants dem abeyeshwitten ? 
Soldier. 
O, yes! old fellah, botli siuived and hair cut. if your 
pretty daughter does it. 

Going to house. calliniJ'. 
Haysekd. 
AUright — allright — Gretchen ! come raal yes hind : und 
razine dem flezel seinen ])ard. 

Margarrete now appeal's. 
Mm:. 
Allriglit, fathei-— allright. 

Old Hayseed exits into liouse, she now sharpens 
razor, soaps him and shaves. When she is 
through she goes into house again. Tick goes 
to one of the women liatcheling, takes liold of her 
arm. she stops. He commences making passes 



over her, as if mag^netizing her. 
Tick. 
My wife has given me the mitten, and now I come to 
son to see what I can do in the magnizing Kne, 
Woman. 
Now major, yon better tickle yonr own wife, or mes- 
merise your cat. 

Tick: (aside). 
It wonid be all the simie to me, if I had enough tin in 
my pocket to taKe a wink at that little brown jug in the 
corner grocery. 
Aloud. 
Loaji me a shilling. 

She feels in her pocket and gives him money. 
Woman: (aside), 
I bettei- give the old rat a shilling to get rid of him. 

Aloud. 
Here major, is a shilling, drink our good health for it. 
He takes it, she works agaiii. 
Tick. 
Faith, I'll drink the health of all damsels who give me 
:\ shilling, no matter whether they are green as a water 
melon, or in the yellow leaf. 

He goes to next woman, and makes passes as 
before. She is white haired, appears angry, and 
strikes him with a bunch of flax— he retreats few 
steps.. V 

WOMAK. 

I say ould Tick, I tick and kick yer, if yer comr smell- 
ino- around me — a dacent woman. 
Tick- 
Be jaber! ould gal! — beg pardon, beg pardon, I mean 
10 say, that I'm an old boy ; but you are still Young. 
You have hardly crossed the rubicorn of girlhood. 
Woman; (pacified.) 
Major, you are a flirt ; but what can I do for you ? 

Tick; [aside.) 
I knew this would fetch her, to transform an old bat- 
tered ewe into a lamb. 

Aloud . 
Loan me two shilling. I have a lauudiy bill to pay down 
in the grocery. 

Aside. 
Confounded mistake. 
Aloud. 



-8—. 

Beg pardon, I meant a little bill to pay down ihe street- 
Points to outside. She gives it to liim. 
Woman; (aside.) 
Well, he is an old friend of ours ; I will have to give it. 

Aloud. 
I suppose you want to invest it in — in — 

Tick. 
I know you suppose that I want to take a blue pill ; or 
a temperance drink ; but I wont. 

She taps him on the shoulder, huig'hing. 
Woman. 
Ha! ha! something' strono-er. to fire your old soul u\). 
until we get through hatehehng ;aiid your old girl comes 
home. But. ISTaJor. don't forget to Ining- me the money 
back. 

Tick. 
Of course not, of course not — clialk it down — chalk it 
down on the debit and credit side. 
Aside. 
It is a great consolation to many })eople to 
have a great account of what other people owe and 
never pay. 

Gives her a pinch of snuif. they sneexe. 
•Take a pinch, take a ]nnch ; it cures the headache. 
She works again. He goc • to next, takes hold of lier 
hatchell. 

Ti< K. 
Missus Sunflower, you vrorlv lo Iitird — A beautiful wo- 
man hke you spoils her complexion by too persistent work. 
Miss S. : (coy aside.] 
Let me take a breath on th;'i. 

Aloud. 
O, Major! you rtve a flirt. 

Tick. 
Not at all — I spoke the solid truth about youi' charms. 

Miss S. 
You bettei-be careful how you pass compliments around 
to other women. Your wii'e might sciatch you. But. 
Major, can I be of any service to you? 
Tick: (talks in her ear.) 
Loan me three shillings. I hick that amount, as T was 
going to invest in cocktails of rcilk, for domestic purpo- 
ses. ' 
Miss S. 
Yes. one ]^ai-r of milk, and ninetv-nine of brandy: 



— 9 — 

that 's the way vou spendthrifts spend our money. 
Tick. 
But only for domestic purposes. 

Offers her a pinch ; she refuses. 
Take a pinch, take a pinch. It is a superfine remedy 
for corns. 

Points to liiii feet. 
Number one — three x. qnahty. 

She makes gestures of indignation — aside. 
Miss S. 
IIon'il)le old sot ! offei'ing a young marriageable woman 
snuff to cure corns. 

Shows one of iier feet. 
Just as if a young lady couhl raise a crop of corns in 
nil nber eleven shoes. 

Searches her pocket — aloud. 
But uia;or, I cannot find a penny. 

Tick takes her umbrella, standing near by, and 
walks off with it. She runs after him and takes 
it Itack. 
Tic . 
Tiieii loui! nic your umbrella — it might rain. 

Mtss S. 
Hold 01!. !iitijor! I need that myself. Besides, loaning 
fij inn'hrcUn cu.ts ones friendship. 

He eHiV)races her, she partially i-esists. 
Tic. 
Not for this vside, ^\ide world would I cnt a woman's 
friendship. 

While Peg runs to him and pulls him off — he 
Vtleats like a 2"oat. 
l'i:(i. 
Hold on ! hold on old fellow 1 I aint dead yet. 

Tic. 
And that's the -raison' that I'm so full of joy ; bristling 
with a 'penny,' fun and shooners of good hale, 

She lets him go now, and he gives her snuff — 
they sneeze. 

Tick: (aside). 
My wdfe never refuses snuff ; her head is level on that 
subject, if on no other. She knows too w^ell, that snuff 
soothes all the ailments, to which we poor mortals are 
heirs. 

Mrs. O'Keef now appears in door; rings dinner 



-10- . 

bell. 

Mrs. O'Keef. 
All hands to lunch. 
Exit. 
Tick. 
Allright, we are ready for the lunch, 

Aside. 
After I have lubricated m^^ lungs with a mug of Bour- 
bon. 

Peg : ( To women ) . 
That old rooster of mine needs watching. He would 
fall in love with a bean-ploe, if a peticoat was hanging 
around it. 

Women stop and gather their tools together. 
Enters L. F. Bob Codfish and some other car- 
penters with their tools. At entrance Bob holds 
forth plane, saying ; 
Bob. 
D'ye want a shave ! 

All clap hands ; laugh and say " Bob Codfish." 
Peg. 
By ginger ! there is our Bob Codfish again ; not yet 
married. 

Tick. 
And all the other cods with their little buck saws. 

He shakes hands with Bob ; Tick offers pinch 
around. 
Tick. 
Gents, take a pinch. 

Peg; (bowing to Bob.) 
But this is the single cod, who is disputing the right of 
our dtar Primrose to the charms of Miss Margurate. 
Bob bowing to her in sarcastic tone. 
Bob. 
Yes madam ! by all the striped stockings al)Ove and be- 
low. 

Points to himself. 
This IB Bob Codfish, who means to win Margurate like 
a soldier, though I should have to smell powder. 
Aside. 
In the quartermaster's department. 

Aloud. 
And if I cannot get her ; why ! got a dozen others on 
the string. 

Points to O'Keef s house where Catha stands in 



—11— 

door. 

There is bonny Kate across the street — why, ihe is also 
spoony on me ; though her mother whaled me. 
Tick. 
Which way are you fellahs of saws and chisels bound 
to? 

Bob. 
Oh ! we have a little job to do in the fort. 

Points to it, 
So we passed this way ; and you know 'tis hard for us 
yonng bloods to stay away where petticoats are. 
Tick. 
I know it — I know it by experience, and felt it to. 
Aside ; walks off a little. 
Tick. 
Our fosterson could not marry her any how. Besides 
he may 3'et inherit a fortune in England. 

Aside. 
Thus we must keep him to ourselves, and get a dig at his 
ducats. 

Aloud. 
Already sisters? then, onward march, and charge on 
the lunch. But if you like, we might first air our lungs 
with a song. 

Women go on one side and men on the other 
and sing — music. 
Tick: (bo1o> 
Ye carpenters and journeymen. 
Stand in line and show your plane. 
Break not with axe or bucksaws, 
Tlie ladies' hearts and cupid's lawis 
Chorus : 
Brothers, shave with care. 
Shave with care tbe fair. 
Bob: (solo, points to tick.) 
You old sinner, go to dinner, 
Y''ou are no more a ladies' killer, 
Y"et still you are drum major Tick, 
With little brains, my dear old Nick. 

Chorus. 
Shave, brothers, shave with care, 
Boards and planks smooth as hair. 
Mrs. O'Keefe appears in door. Carpenters 
march in fort. » 

Mrs. O'K. 



-12- 

Lunch! lunch! lunch! 

Tick. 
Onward, then — they call us again for lunch. I think 
'tis getting cold. 

Feels stomach. 
I have a decided vacuum here ; and an empty stomach is 
an enemy to good melody and all benevolent feeling. 

Peg goes to Hayseed's and the rest to O'Keef 's 
house, After a while reenters from fort. Bob, 
and goes to carpenter's bench at O'Keef s and 
commences plaining a board. A lady out of 
sight heard singing in Hayseed's house. 
Bob. 
The shaving with tlie plane is rather too laborious work 
for a free born American, and I ought to be shaving at 
somethimg else! — Perhaps I inay yet — In fact 1 know, 
that I will yet start a barber shop — just to keep my hand 
in the shaving line. 

Stops — points near to Hayseed's house. 
Only that charmer now singing, keeps me here. 

Singing stops — enters from Hayseed's l*eg, with 
baskets, — gathers shavings. 
Bob: (to her). 
Haloli ! old girl — have you alread}^ tackled the lunch, 
and came here now to gather shavings to light the fire on 
a cold winter moin for your old hunkv ? 
Peg. 
Lunched and saw Miss Margaret. 

Both come front — he keeps plane in hand. 
Bob. 
Was she seemingly happy ? 

Peg.' ' 
Quite so — quite so — she wos angling with a gent of no 
mean proportions. 
Bob. 
The deuce! I won't stand it, to see any body else 
mousing arouned my girl. How can I else shave her? 
Imitates shaving, 
Peg. 
You will have to take it and shave some other girl. 
But I could fix things for you, if you enlist me in your 
service. I know a great deal about her. 
, B. 

I know all about her, she is the daughter of the old 



—13— 

dutch miser who keeps this tavern and barbershop. 
Peg. 
Bot this is not all — she is an heiress and the old folks 
don't want her to marry. 

Bob: (laughs). 
That is the hardest job out — to keep a girl from marry- 
ing Particularly if she is an heiress. 

Now a gent comes with Margarete from Hay- 
seed's house, both go to wing L. F. conversing, 
love making in dumb show. 
Peg: (aside). 
Our dear Primrose, there he comes, making dear to 
his girl before parting the geometry of love. But we 
cannot permit this match. 

Aloud to Bob, shows him couple. 
Lo ! there she comes with her cavalier to bid him good 
bye. 

Bob shivers and rattles teeth, as if cold. 
Bob: (aside). 
I feel as if a stream of cold water was running down 
my spinal column, to see another man beguile my lady 
love. 

Aloud— stops rattling. 
I wonder who that pretentious chap is ? 

P. 
I could give you his pedigree, and spoil his suit with 
her. And'this' would fetch her in your arms. 
B. : (takes Pegs hand). 
Remember then me— the lone orphan boy ; and make 
his heart rejoice, by bringing the the magnet to the pole. 
P. : (loosens hand). 

Not me. 

Bob in anory tone— lays hand on her shoulder. 

B. 

Woman ! 

P. 
Nothing but ducats can wrench this secret from my 
heart. 

Gathers shavings — aside. 
I cannot afford to be a match maker, and a walking 
matrimonial agency without pay. 
B. : (aside) 
Cold-hearted woman ! 

Window of 2d etage at Hayseed's opens, an old 
woman stick out head calHng : 



—14^ 

Woman. 
Gretchen, come in ; your'e gettin' cold. 

Margaret nods assent, and window shuts again. 
Bob, aside — rattles his teeth again. 
B. 
Yes, dear, it is getting awfully cold — freezing-, below 
zero. 

Stops rattling teeth — Margarete and lover part, 
he exits — she comes to Bob and gathers shav- 
ings in her apron. Peg runs to her and em- 
braces her. He planes. 
P. 
Well dear child, I'm glad to meet you. 

Mar. 
But, Auntie Peg, I'm no more a child : but a young 
woman. 

P. 
True — too true, as one might say : seeing so many gal- 
lants swearing to commit suicide, if you give them the 
mitten. 

Mar. ; (laughs). 
Hah! hah! you old 'cork' — ^according to 3'our storj-, a 
regiment of fellows break their hearts about me. 
To Bob. 
What say you to that? my old staunch friend, Codfish. 

' * B. 
Miss Margarath ! 1 believe you are a flirt, lireaking 
man's heart with the unconcern you would kill a fly. 
M. 
Now Bob! that's the hardest job out, to break a man's 
heart, which is so elastic that an inch of it will stretch for 
a mile, and then not break. Besides, only two lovers a 
day don't make a flirt, 

B. : (aside). 
Then I'm yet diunky,' one is gone, and I'm the other. 
lover she speaks about. 
Aloud. 
Jokes apart, won't you faAor me, an old admirer, with 
one of your dulcet measures, which so often cheers my 
lone heart — 

Points at Hayseed's house. 
When coming from youder chamber, while I'm at my 
bench at work ? 
M. 
That won't do — on the heels of one lovers' departure, 



—15 — 

to sing for another. 
B. 
Out of sight, out of mind. 

Aside. 
I won't have that rule though appUed to me. 

Aloud. 
Well, siiig a note or two, in which I will join. 

M. 
Well, as you are a particular friend of mine, I will 
sing a verse or two. 

Bob feels his chin, puts thumbs behind vest, 
near arm pits, moves Angers outside, comic post- 
ure, gesture of pride. 
B. : (aside). 
A womau always yields to a handsome man, like me. 
M. : (Solo — music). 
Codfish, Bob Codfish, Bob Codfish, 
I like to marry whom I wish ; 
Gone, departed is one lover. 
And now ogling me, another. 

Chorus: (by all three.) 
Killaruey lads, O, punch with care, 
All the lasses at Donnie Brook fair. 

Bob: (Solo.) 
Bless the ladies, bless the ladies. 
For like fairies, and like babies, 
Spooking roaming in this world around 
To the music of love's dulcet sound. 

Chorus: [by all three]. 
Sisters, sisters, sharpen your scissors. 
To shave with care, all male visitors. 
Bob takes Margarate b^^ the hand, and talks in 
- her ear 'loud. 
Bob. 
To-night, lassie, at 10, I must see you — must see you 
at 3^our chamber window. 

Margarate pulls her eye apart. 
Mar. 
Do you see any green in my eye? 

Bob: (hand to mouth.) 
Ah! lassie, st 10 to-night 

Margarate now gives a box on his ear, then runs 
into her house laughing, at door she puts extend- 
hands at her nose in derision. 



—16— 

Mar. 
That's the kind of hah-pin I am. 
Bob. 

Lassie, do your buxing now — I expeet a Uttle butting 
against the matrimonial traces. But after I got yon, I'll 
shave you — I'll shave you. 

She exits, Bob goes to planing again. Peg car- 
ries her basket with shavings. Enter L. F., 1st 
groove, where Indian women sit, two soldiers 
conversing. 

1st Soldier. 
Well, comrade, our neighbors around seem to have 
l)een very busy to-day. 

2d Soldier, 
Just so, but look here chum, here we flave run afoul of 
two of the red man's ideals, 

1st Indian Woman. 
Pale face, will 3^ou buy aiw pin-cushions from me for 
your squaw? 

1st Sol. 
I gots no frau yet, Mrs. Lo. 

1st Ind. Wom. 
Dutch white face has no squaw eh ! then it is time he 
should get one. 

2d Sol. 
Where is your brave ? 

2d Ind. Wom. 
In the wigwam, pale face. 

2d Sol. 
Drinking fire water eh ? and worshipping the Great 
Spirit of the Indian's hunting ground. 

1st Ind. Wom.? (lifts nan d up.) 
'' Ye see,'' " de" great man, high in " di" big trees. 

1st Sol. 
Yes, red man watching for a chance to scalp us, 

2d Ind. Wom 
No — no — friendly "Injuns" don't scalp white man. 

2d Sol. 
When they got no chance to do it. 

1st Ind. Wom. 
Injun chief gone to see great father ob de country ; 
'cause white man takes allde Injuns' hunting ground. 
1st Sol 
" Injun brave is a bad man ; he lets the squaws do all 
the work, drinks whisky, and cuts our throats when he 



—17— 

can. 

2d Ind. Wom. 

No, no, " Injun" good and, brave, with large heart. 

2d Sol. 
And a rapacious maw for the white man's flock. 

2d Ind. Wom. 
Pale face is the red man's curse. 

1st Sol. 
Well, comrade, while we are out let 's indulge a little. 
What would you like, s methiug of the " crathur," or a 
dose where hops and malt are the principal ingredients ? 
2d Sol. 
Let 's take the red beverage. 

They go to Hayseed's bar. Benjamin behind 
bar, give^ t'lem beei*. 
1st Sol. 
Zwie glass lager. 

. 2d Sol. 
Now, let's go to our l)astile again and discuss the red- 
skins' right to scalp us. 

1st. Sol. : [Draws liis sword, flourishes it] . 
Aye! that we will, with a soldier's sword. And we 
may ha^'e yet a chance, before to-morrow's sunrise to 
sliow our prowess in another Indian Shirmish. 

Soldiers exunt in fort. Re-enter old Ha^-seed 
from his house, dressed as before smoking out 
of a long German pii)e. Talks broken English, 
accompanied his son, Tom, a young man who has 
a law book under his arm. 
H. 
Veil, ])oy, liow are ye getting along with dat liar. Black- 
stone ? 

T. 
Studying hard dad — the nine points of the law. 

H. 
You musth learn particular to safe de dimes, for money 
makes de man in dish country. 
T. 
Aye! dad, that's the first lesson I learned from Mr. 
Blacks tone. 

H. 
Before you spend a nickle, you musth think twice, al- 
ways of me, your pap. How I wash a right royal deer- 
keeper and forrester of his highness, de duke of Rhine- 



phalz. How I fought in de yankey army, and how hard 
I have now to safe de dimes by sellinoj l^eer at dish trad- 
ing post. 

T 
Pap, 1 shall heed the lesson of the past, safe the cop- 
ipers fur they will make dollars, and. dad, there is power 
in the almighty dollar. 
H. 
Aye poy ! there may be yet a president in you, tither 
if you become a liar or a loldier. I would like to put 
you in de army here in dish fort, and if you can't be 
a president of dish republic, you may yet })ecome a drum 
major. 

T. 
Aye, dfld that 's just the thing forme. L;iw is too dry 
for me any how, and lawyers' fees too large. But if I 
was in this fort I would soon be drum major, and from 
thence it it an easy step to generalissimo. I surely shall 
worm mytelf in, where a fat office is to be got. 
H. : (aside) 
Dot poy of mine hash caught do spirit of de country. 

Aloud. 
Veil poy, you ihiisht go and drive dem pigs out ob de 
garden, and pring to yonr muttei' dree cabbage heads, 
to cook for supper 
T. 
Aye, dad, three heads of cabbage. 

Taps on old man's head, and runs off laughing. 
Here is one. so I need only bring two. 

Tom exit, old man is in comic rage. 
H. 
Dot rascal of a poy ; shusht hke young America. 

A soldier comes front from fort and sits in bar- 
ber chair. Hayseed turns to house and calls. 
H. 
Gretchen ! Gretchen ! pizness, pizness — shave — shave. 
Enter Margaret as before and shaves him. 
Mar. 
Aye, pap! Tm comin' — I'm comin'. 

Enters from house, R., O'Keef, is old, and 

dressed like an Irish peasant. Shakes hands 

with Hayseed. Bob goes into fort with aboard. 

O'K, 

How d'ye do, old b'hoy — I see your bhoys and lasses 

are as busy as bees. A nice family — I'm pioud of ye — 



—19— 

I'm proud of ye. 
H. 
Dank ye— dank ye, I am well ; how do you make* 
dings come around ? . 
O'K. 
Illigantly, lUigantly, neighbor Hayseed. 

d'Keef, Cath. and Pat, and Hayseed, MargA- 
rate and Ben. now cam* forward from their re- 
sespective houses. 
I got gals and boys, and you are blessed with boys and 
lasses. What a nice match they would make. 

Hayseed pulls out a match, strikes a light on th« 
knee, and offers it to O'Keef. 
H. 
You wants to light your pipe ? 

O'K.: [taps on H.'s shoulder. ) 
No, no — I mean the house of Habsburg, and the house 
of O'Keef would make an illigant match. 
H. : (laughs.) 
Ha, ha. ha — the house of Habsburg. 

O'K. : (i)oints to children.) 
These rogues are some of mine raisins. 

H. : (to Ben.) 
Veil povl talks to de vounge freulein. 

O'K. 
Certainly — certainly — go it, Ben. 

Hayseed now pushes Ben towards Kate, and 
O'Keef e forci.^8 his Kate to approach Ben. They 
seem very bitshful. and seek to avoid — comic 
business. 
H. 
Go it boy — go it — de breed will be a nice compound. 

O'K. : (to Kate) 
Yes, lass, sauerkrout and switzer cheese taste as good 
in the mouth of us Hibernians, as an Irish murphy with his 
coat on, roasted in hot ashes ; is a delicious morsel to the 
palate of the Duch. 
H. 
Yas, poy ! ein frau is ein frau : all made of de self- 
same stuff, and for the same end : whether raised on Irish 
or Dutch soil. 

Ben and Kate now join hands — proceed a little 
front, while O'Keef and Hayseed shake hands 
again, and jubilant, pointing to twain, an account 
of their success in matchmaking. Margarate 



-20- 

and Pat converse dumb show. 
Ben: (to kate). 
Well, bonnie Kate, the old folk seem to be 1)ent on 
doing a thriving business is the match-making lines. 
Kate. 
But Ben, I don't believe much in- these forced marital 
jokes. 

Ben. 
As far as I'm concerned. I rather like thein. You 
see, things go by contraril^^ — if our old fossils had seen 
that we were spoony on each othei'. why they would have 
strenuously opposed it ; as it is. we succeeded to pull the 
wool over their eyes. 
Kate. 
But I don't take any stock in spooning, the wnre is too 
brital and dry. 

Ben: (talks in her car loud)- 
Not all. lassie — tis unctions and savory. But let 
me take a gniff at you to-night at half-past ten : when 
the old folks are under the sheets ; and young ducks are 
skylarking. 

Kate, (withdraws luiiid.) 
Ah. Ben, your arc a bad boy. 
They join now crowd. 
O'K. 
Well neighbor we ough to take a smile on that. 

Hayseed. 
Some l)eer and gin. 

O'K. 
I furnise the gin and you de l)eer. 

H^ 
And we drink the gin, and you the beer. 

O'K. 
lUigant — illigant. Well boys bring the Ijeverages. 

Pat goes and brings whiskey and Ben brings the 
beer. The O'Keefs form a hue, and the Hay- 
seeds form a line, viz and viz : Hayseeds drink 
the whisky and the O'Keefs the beer. All hold 
up glasses and drink a toast. 
O'K, 
Here is to the health and prosperity of oiu' adopted 
country. 

They drink, O'Keef aside. 
Now the house of O'Keef is as dutch as dutch can be. 
Enter hatcheling women from O'Keefs house. 



—21— 

also Tick. Old O'Keef and Hayseed come front 
and sing. Rest join in chorus — music accom- 
paniment. 
O'K. 

On Erin's green dells and hills, 

There live the Mac's and O's 

Land of clear streams and rills, 

My countr}'^ and my home, 
Land of Shamrocks and Primroses. 
Chokus. 
Lets take a rest and enjo}'- the muse, 
And strike a match or light a fuse. 
V Hayseed. 

Am Rhine, am Rhine, am lieben Rhine. 
Da wachsfesd. da wachsed der goetter wine. 
Belebt der youngen mitfrohen muth. 
Uiid comt dem alter audi zu gut. 
Chorus. 
Let's take a rest and enjoy the muse, 
And strike a m«tch or light a fuse, 
They drink a^ain a toast. 
' O'K. 
Here is to the Germiui fatherland and P^rin go ))ragh. 

To Hayseed. 
Well old boy ; what do you think of starting a minstrel 
sliow— wouldn't we imike capital end cork? 
Aside. 
Tliat is, if cork improves with age, like wine. 

Hayseed. 
No neighbor, I don't like ministers. 

O'K. 
Well, let's see whetlier vou can dance a jicj or an Irish 
l)reak down. 
H. 
(xretchen gets me my dancing thoes. 

She goes and brings him wooden shoes ; he pi its 
them on. 

O'Keef dance the same. Rest dance also in 
• rear. Ha3^seed tries ; but fails, makes comic 
and aw^kward steps. O'Keef stops after a 
while 
H. 
Veil, mine bester freund now see whether you can 
dance with me mine country dance. 



O'K. 

Katie, bring me a horn of the crathur to brace up. 

She brings him whisky ; he drinks. 
So this will give me muscle enough to dance all the saur- 
craut out of you. 

Hayseed now dances a waltz et other German 

dances for a Avhile. and O'Keef fails. Rest join 

in dance. 

Curtain drops. 

ACT II. 
Scene. — The same as in first act. except time, night. 
Houses and stage dark. The liglit of a lantern seen at 
gate of Fort. Behind fort full moon seen rising. Foot- 
lights give a feeble light. Any unnecessary ol)struc- 
tions removed before the curtain rises a bugle is heard 
blowing in fort, calling soldiers to l^ed. 

After the rising of the curtain, IMargarite emerg- 
es from her father's hf)nse cautiously looking 
around, as if searching for some one — then 
comes front. 
Mar. 
I thought I might see Bob lurkiiig around, so as to tell 
hhn not to bodder me to-night before mv chamber win- 
do. 

points up to 2d etage. 
yonder, as the old man is choleric to night ; and likely to 
sleep with his eyes open, Besides,! don't like too much at- 
tention, as I am not ready yet, to put the bridal halter on. 
Enter from O'Keef's, Kate also cautiously look- 
ing around till she sees Margarate, she walks up 
to her, thej^ shake hands. 

Kate : (threatens with finger. ) 
Ah! Maggy, I caught you. What are ye skylarkin' 
around here for this time of the night ? 
Mar. : (laughs) 
Nothin' — nothin', watcliing you ! to see whether vou 
are running away with my fellah 

Kate. • 

Thank you, thank you. I'm engaged in the same busi- 
ness, — ditto, ditto. 
Mar. 
Well, Kate, I came down simply to tell him to skip over 
this night if he could, as the old man cannot be fooled 



—28— 

with to-night. 

K4.TE: (laughs.) 
But he cftn't skip over this night — dont you know that all 
the young men. and the old ones either, swear by their 
lasses' locks, or Iw the bright stars, that their embers 

Points to breast, 
here are fiercely glowing : that soon the flames will burst 
forth; and why? then there would be a conflagration. 
Mar. 
Well. I don't care, then, if he be consumed. At I 
won't carry a little flirtation too far ; but' I am bound to 
enjoy single life before I tie myself down to the drudge- 
ry of a wife. 

Kate. 
But who is the duck vou are ex{)ectin' to-night. 

Mak. 
Well, Kati(^ tliat is for me to know, ^nd you to find 
out. 

Katk, 
If vou tell me, I'll tell vou whom I expect to-night. 

Mar. 
I'll tell you, as leave as not — it is one you well known. 
One whose great-gran tfather was a carpenter; whose 
grant-father follows the same trade ; whose father pursued 
the identical craft, and who himself handles the plane. 
Kate. 
But. Mag., you havn't told me yet who he is ; that no- 
ble s])eeimen of his father's last. 
Mab. 
Why, he boards in your house : and your pap has 
chalked him down in tiie lilack book as Bob Codfish. 
Kate, f'stonished, clasps hands. 
Kate. 
By Josh! the rascal has been making love to me. 

Mar. 
Nothing new that — men are like bees, they sip the houej 
from every flower. 

Kate: (laughs.) 
And why shouldn't we women follow suit. Now, I got 
it : s^our brother Ben. is coming to-night to see me. As 
I'm in your fix, not caring a continental for marriage just 
now ; but am bent to enjoy fist, single blessedness, and 
to sow my wild oats. Now. I say ; we will play these gay 
deceivers a trick. 

Mar. : (laughs.) 
Good, Katie — good, Katie — but how shall we go about 
it. 



Kate. 
Very simple Mag. Your brother wants to interview me 
to-night at half-past ten. And that Tfould be heart- 
Bmabher, Bob, will shortly be here to smole on you. 
Now, as I'm not very spoony just now we will exchange 
places — 3'ou fix yourself like me — like an Irish lass ; and 
I'll play the dutch girl. 

Mar. : (commences to strip) 
Capitally— capitally, all cats are dark at night. 

They exchange their external garments in sight 
of audience (if deemed expedient). They ar« 
of similar jH'oportions, 8unply their make up of 
dress and hair is according to their respective 
nationalities. When they ha^'e transformed them- 
selves, they say : 
Kate. 
Now ver are a sw:ite Irish lassie. But yer must put on 
the Irish brogue hearily, to his fej-vent devotions. 
Mak. ; (boxing attitude). 
Ben, be dad, I'll box ver ears — Mu.^ha-arrah na poaue. 

K. 
That's excellent. 

M. 
But Katie, dear? you'nuishu't — wat is it yet ! 

Pause. 
You mushn't murder de dutch. 

Kate laughs and puts hand around Margaret's 
neck. 
K. 
O, no ! if he is going to come it this way on me, I sa}^ : 
what you soy ? mein lieber Bob — ich schlag dige mit de 
briekstine on de kopf . 

They join hands and sing — music accompani- 
ment — Margarete joins chorus 
K. 
Well, let's sing my new song. 
K. ;(9inge). 

We are gay deceivers 
On the road to teasers, 
In these mountain ranges. 
Hornpipe dance the sages. 
Chorus. 
Irish and dutch — Irish and dutch. 
Happy in each others warm touch. 
K. 



—25— 

Scalps and squaws are our laws, 
And proud lads with buck saws, 
Softly toy with our hearts, 
Sir loin steak full of warts. 

Chorus. 
Irish and Dutch — Irish and Dutch, 
Happy, happy — as they touch. 
K. : [points up] . 
Now mind, yer to pla}^ your cards well, yonder is my 
chamber, go up there, those roosters will be here soon, 
while I go to your chamber. 

Points to Hayseed's house. 
M. 
AUright — allriglit. 

They exeunt each to the otherii house. Music 
plays adacio. After a while enters from O'Keefs 
Bob. cautiously ; dressed as before. He pi-o- 
ceeds to Hayseed's. 
Bob. 
All gone to bed ! Now is tht time to see my lad}^ love, 
when the old .nan is snoring away, and his number 15 
• )Oot is under the bedstead, to coo and bill a little is 
youth's perogative. 

In Hayseed's house are two windows in second 
story, indicating two chambers, one directly 
fronting towards O'Keefs and the other front- 
ing towards r.udience. Bob picks up pebbles, 
and throws them at window nearest to audience. 
Bob. 
But hold on? This way I can't reach her: I must get 
a ladder 

Exits, while Kate appears in window with a can- 
dle in hand — lifts window, looks out. 
Kate; (rubbing her eyes). 
Whoee could that be? Ize heard some 'shenttle' tap- 
ping while I was napping. 

Re-enter Bob with ladder, puts it at her window 
and mounts up. 
Bob. 
It's me, my own love. 

Kate. 
O, mine Fob ! Is dot you ? 

Bob: (near window). 
Now, Margarete, receive me in your arms. 



—26— 

K. 

Will you not deceive me ? 

Bob, 
Oh! never. 

K. 

Never ? 

He now enters chamber, it gets dark, they dis- 
appear — Now emerges Margarete from O'Keef s 
and takes ladder awa}' from window, and lays it 
down on stage at some corner. 
M. : (laughs). 
As everything is fair in love and war. so I will play a 
joke on them both — Kittle O'Keef and that treacherous 
Bob. Now he wont be able to get out without waking 
the old man ; and he may giv« him then a dose of cat-o- 
iiine tails. But I have to hurry up, as my brother Ben 
will soon be here, and play it sweet on me — thinking he 
got his swate Kittie O'Keef. 

Exit in O'Keef's after « while, window opens 
at Hayseed's, which fronts directly towards 
O'Keef's, and Ben looks out, lets himself down 
hy a rope, one end of which he throws out of 
window, other end fastened above. ' 

B»N. 

That's what I call softly sHdinu <!own the road which 
leads to cupid. 

Arrived below, pulls out watch. 
'Tis the hour, when cats thrill, their soul felt vi- 
bratory music, when hobgoblins flit through the air in 
their Plutonian car, and when we young fellows see our 
lady-loves. 

Margaret appears now with lighted candle at 
window of O'Keef's similar located as at Hay- 
s»€d's. 

Ben: (points window). 
Ah ! Katie, my love, has k«pt time. 

She opens window and looks out. 
M. 
I heard a voice — was it the cat ! 

Bbn. 
No— it is me ma — Colleen Bawn. 

M. 
Is it you, Ben ? Ye are a foin rascal to come smelin' 
around this hour o' night. Musha Ben you go home, go 
home. 



—27— 

Bbn. 
But I wont — I wont be cheated out of my fun. 

M. : (laughs). 
But you can't get up here. 

Ben looks around stage and finds ladder. 
Ben. 
But I'll got up ! I'll get up, Katy darlin' 

Sets ladder at window, and mounts her window. 
A cat is heard miewing in rear. 
M. 
Hush! what's this? 

Ben. 
Notking — nothing but the eat ; on a similar mission bent. 
Enters chamber — they disappear — chamber gets 
dark After a while enters O'Keef from 
house below in night apparel, cautious looking 
around. 
O'K. 
I couldn't slape — there is «o much noise about the 
house — the cats caterw auling aroun<l. 1 wonder what's 
the racket all about. 

Sees ladder, goes to it and takes it away. 
Ugh! what's this? — a burgular entered me premises ; 
or a telleh, seeing Katie, me lass on the sly. 80 I cut 
better off his retreat. 

Exits — running in. 
But I'll make it hot for em. 

Exit, noise, s rertuis and voices heard in Hay- 
seeds. Light appears in I^largaret's chamber. 
Bob rashes to window — Exited. 
Bob. 
By Josh! somebody has stole the ladder, and I am in 
quod. 

Disappears from window and returns immedi- 
ately with a strip of carptt, one end of which 
he throws over sill, it is fastened above. Knocks 
heard, as if some on« forcing the door ; while 
Bob fixes it he says : 
Bob. 
I'll have to hurry up, the old war-horse is forcing the 
chamber-door ; he smelled a mouse ; and he will kill me 
for mooning with his daughter at this unseasonable hour. 
He now steps over sill, and while in the act of 
sliding down, old Hayseed appears with a cat-o- 



-28- 

nine tail, which he wildly flourishes and strikes 
Bob. 
H. 

Ah ! you rascal, comin' mousing around my daughter 
Gretchen, while I'ze sleeping. Ich schlag dich on de 
kop. 

Hayseed disappears above. Noise and voices 
heard at O'Keef s. Kate's chamber becomes 
lighted, and Ben and Margarate appear at win- 
dow. He is excited. 
Ben. 

murder! somebody took away the ladder, and put 
me in quod. 

Mar. 
Rundown the steps, I'll be behind you, so the old man 
won't hurtyou. 

They disappear. Bol> arrived below — stays 
there. 

Bob: (points to O'Keef. ) 
The old Harry seems to be loose there also. While I 
was explaining the arithmetic of love to the Dutchman's 
daughter, somebody else was stealing the sweets of love 
from my other charmer over therc^. 

Enter now O'Keef below, leading Ben by the 
ear. Margarate follows ; while at same time 
enters Hayseed, leading Kate by the ear — he has 
still the whip in one hand. All meet astonished 
in front. 

Haysekd. 

1 learns your brat fooJin around with de 
fellahs when Ize and \'eur mutter are ashleep. 

O'K. 
Why neighbor! this is a nice meetino;. Here I 
caught, 

Points to Ben 
your strippling fooling around with me heifer in 
her chamber. 

H. clasps hands. 
O dat rascal of a poy! 

O'Keef .now approaches Kate, Hayseed 
has left her loose. O'Keef looks at her 
and takes hold of one of her hands on 
which there is a ring,he examines it, in an 



—so- 
astonished manner. 

O'K. to Heyseed. 
Why this lass looks like yer datter and still 
there she wears my Kates finger ring. 
H. to Kate. 
How is this gal, have you been stealing? 

Hayseed and O'Keef now examine her and 
take off some of her apparal, as barbers 
apron etc. 
OK. 
That's right neighbor, lets search for bottom 
facts, some that seem pussys; are frequently 
rom cats. 

H. 
Yes neigh b(^r; and a dutch potato looks ever 
so much like an Irish murphy. 

O'K. ejaculates. 
The lord priserve us; why this is my datter Kate; 
this is a muchly mixed up affair; why we must 
liav'H been drinking too much gin. 

Margarete now takes off her things, and 
the girls exchange and fix themselves as 
they were before. 

H. Astonished to Mag. 
Why dish ish den mine Gretchen. 
• ' Points to Margarete while slapping his 
head 
VVliy \ve musrch have peen dreaming, 

(Ben and Tom stand now facing to O'Keefs 
house, while Kate and Margarate stand 
vis a* vis, facing them. Old Hayseed and 
O'Keef in middle in rear facing audience) 
Kate (sings) 
You dear old folks w^e did no harm 
There is no cause for wild alarm. 

(Kate and Margarate sing.) 
We are gay deceivers 
Not in love believers. 

Kate (points to Ben and B.) 
We pur a job on these young fellows 
So that they coo no more so zealous. 



—30— • 

(Kate and Mar.) 
We are gay deceivers' 
Not in love believers. 
O'Keef. 
And did you not philopoena noses ? 

Kate and Mar. 
No — Never — roses. 
O'Keef, 
What! Never? stuck your bills in eati de roses ? 

Hayseed. 
Yas, did ye ever bevel noses ? 

Kate and Mar. 
Bevel ? never in such doses, 

Hayseed. 
You poys you says : your lips touched these 
gals lips never ? 

Ben and Bob. (Both count at fingers) 
If we ever — Once — twice — three times treble. 

( O'Keef, 

Well no harm done — then lets get to roost. 

(All exeunt in their respective houses. 
Music plays adagio; n bugle behind scene 
sounds an alarm. A courier enters L. F. 
with dispatches, goes to fort— Captain in 
uniform appears at gate, which is opened 
Courier gives him dispatch. Fort becomes 
illumed.) % 

('APT. (reads) 
My dear Captain I have dispatched this mess- 
age in haste to you ; to apprise you that we had 
a severe skirmish with the red skins ; and I have 
just learned that several hundred of these red 
dare devils are apx>roaching your fort. So be 
prepared the y may pounce upon you. at any 
moment. 

(Stops reading, folds letter.) 
Capt. 
This news will arouse our boys, as they don't 
like to be carved for an Indian dish. 
(To Sergeant.) 
To arms ! to arms ! 



—31— 

(Bugle sounds and drums beats now an 
alarm. A squad of soldiers with riffles appear 
in front. Indian warriors with stone hatchets, 
arrows and bows are now seen peeping at 
L. and R. E. 1st grooves. They now rush on 
stage with Indian yell— soldier charge bayonets 
Music plays, a general engagement ensues. 

A trumpet sound is heard in rear, after a 
while, enter a trumpeter in hrst groove ; 
sounding a halt: he is followed by an In- 
dian chief carrying a liag of truce, on the 
top of the pole is stuck a ham, he is accom- 
panied by a United States peace commis 
sioner in uniform — carrying some docu-- 
ments- Cfiief waves Hag. They stop fight- 
ing 

Commissioner. 
Peace ! Let ther(^ be peace. 

Captain of the fort, and Indian cliief com. 
mand, ' Halt ! ' soldiers and Indians form in 
line vis a-vis. Captain and Chief come for- 
ward. 

Commissioner. 
Our difficulties with these Indian tribes hav^- 
been settled by the President of the United 
States. 

Hands to Captain papei'. 
H^re is the document direct from Washington. 
Captain reads, Indian chief looks eagerly 
in paper. 
Capt.\in. 
To all whom it may coiu'ern : Be it known: 
that in consideration, that several Indian tribes 
have abdicated certain territory, mentioned in this 
document, to tlie Government — they are hereby 
allowed the following rations: for each brave, 
squaw and papoos, one loaf of bread every three 
months ; also all the worn-out blankets. In ad- 
dition to this one ham for every tribe, on each 
holida}^ 

All Indians watching and jubilant, say- 
ing. 



—32— * 

Oh ! Father Abraham. 

Reads. 
With whisky unlimited. 

All Indians flourish jubilant their 
weapons, saying : 
Fire water. 

Commissioner. 
And to show you that the Gfovernment means 
to keep good faith with you. I have ordered a 
supply to be brought along. 

Motions ro with out; enters in 1st groove 
a private soldier with a' hand cart, on 
which are some blankets, some bread and 
a whisky rask. A perpenticular pol«^ is 
attached ro cart with tfnited States flag 
waving. Indians surround it eagerly — he 
distributes — they fall to eat and drink. 
Enter old O'Keef followed by his family: 
and also old Hayseed from his house fol- 
lowed b}' his family — all curiouslylook- 
ing around. 

O'Keef (to audience.) 
Whats the racket again ? 

(Looks to crowd,) 
Ah ! now I see — w^e mighty near got carved for 
an Indian dish ; It always augurs ill at night ; 
whin the cats — miew-miew. 
Hayseed, 
Yas — wats de peezness now '( 

Captain, (points to Indians,) • 
Well my dutch neighbor ; don't 3^ou see ? — Lo! 
the poor Indian. 

(Margarate and Kate advance now — In- 
dian chief makes kind of love gestures to 
them, tickles their chins.) 
Chief. 
Where shall we three meet again ? 

(Margarate now sings — music). 
We shall meet — by the brook 
Providing — no ill luck 
And no black — midnight spook 



—32— 

Keeps us back— rrom this nook. 
(All sing choriis-Indian chief swings the Hag 
pole with ham) 

We are coming 
We are coming 
Father Abraham 
Coming with a ham. 
CURTAIN— THE END. 

GENERAL DIRECTIONS. 
L. means left, R. right. E. entrance, M. 
middle. F. front. C. center. A mere out- 
line is here given as to scenery, property, 
customes, actions etc, Leaving it to the 
manager to supply details. 

TYPOGRAHICAL ERRORS. 

Page J, for boys •say Peg. Between Flax — hemp, in- 
sert and. Page 2, od line, for partially, patruling ; for 
Patrie, Patric ; for strop, strap; 1. ol, for hin, him. P. 
o, add s to retreat: 1. 6, between all — say, insert laugh 
and ; for drap, drop ; bet. keep — in, insert us ; last line 
but one, say these for the. P. 4, 1. 21, add s to come. 
P. 5, for fell, fall. P. 6, for heibester, liebester ; after 
sh^ve ! for abeyeschwitten, say abgeschnitten ; for 3^es 
hind^ say geshmnd ; for razine sa}^ raziery ; for fiezel, say 
flegel. P. 6, for magnizing, magnetising ; for snme, 
same: for rat, sot; add s to jabber, p. 8, bet. invest — 
in, insert, something. P. 10, for ginger, say jingo ; bet. 
why! — got, insert, I; for Catha., Catherina. P. 11, for 
yonng, young. P. 12. for near, rear ; bet. with — basket* 
insert, a, and drop s off baskets : for came, come ; for 
wos, was. P. 13, for dear, clear ; for stick, sticks. P. 
17, for exunt, exeunt. P. 18, for copipers, coppers ; for 
fur, for. P. 19, 1. 7, make the possessive out, 'O'Keef 
and Hayseed;' for duch, dutch. P. 20, 1. 4, for lines, 
line ; for contrarily, contrarity ; add t, to ough ; and h, 
tofurnis. P. 21, for der, den. P. 23, for follows, fol- 
lowed ; for fist first. P. 27, for burguler, burglar. P. 
28, for your you ; for yeur y«r.P. 31for beats, beat. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

020 994 024%3 



P. 21, 1st line between 'Tick' and 'Old,' insert: 
"Here come our 'busy-bodies,' who keep us in shirts. 
They did away with a good deal of hemp to-day, which 
may yet do service for the State in squeezing the breath 
out of a fellow who refuses to eat roast beef. . But neigh- 
bor, let's sing our fatherland song. 



Mm 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 

■■ 

020 994 024 3 



